I want to tell my friends that, “I know its funny to you when you joke about you not wanting me here but I’ve spent so many hours thinking and wondering whether my absence would really make any difference.” I’m insecure and I don’t think they understand the amount of dependency I’ve developed in the last few on them, which I know isn’t good but I know its better than doing it with a romantic partner who I’m bound to leave eventually because I just don’t know how to not sabotage romantic relationships.
I can tell my talking about leaving is probably just annoying at this point but its my own weird, messed up way of saying i need love because I don’t think I’m getting enough and I was hoping you could spare some. I’m feeling underappreciated and I want to believe that when I leave there will be people who genuinely missed me like I miss mariam and not just because I’m fun company but because they will miss ME. my advice, my humour, my personality.
Words of affirmation are a huge part of my love language and i think most people around me are more the acts-of-service kind of people. and even though I know this, I keep feeling like Im not loved.