hello i’m back

I want to tell my friends that, “I know its funny to you when you joke about you not wanting me here but I’ve spent so many hours thinking and wondering whether my absence would really make any difference.” I’m insecure and I don’t think they understand the amount of dependency I’ve developed in the last few on them, which I know isn’t good but I know its better than doing it with a romantic partner who I’m bound to leave eventually because I just don’t know how to not sabotage romantic relationships.

I can tell my talking about leaving is probably just annoying at this point but its my own weird, messed up way of saying i need love because I don’t think I’m getting enough and I was hoping you could spare some. I’m feeling underappreciated and I want to believe that when I leave there will be people who genuinely missed me like I miss mariam and not just because I’m fun company but because they will miss ME. my advice, my humour, my personality.

Words of affirmation are a huge part of my love language and i think most people around me are more the acts-of-service kind of people. and even though I know this, I keep feeling like Im not loved.

A disappointment

Imagine being constantly treated like you did something wrong or that you were a bad kid and not knowing what you did wrong. Disappointing them even when you’ve given it your all.
Years afters years, when you still cripple under the fear of disappointing them. Never being enough. Never being good enough. Not being able to live up to their expectations of a good kid.
Sure, they love you. They’re only human too so they make mistakes too but is it that hard to notice when you’re killing your kid with all the negative energy you’re giving her? Is it not noticeable when you’re the reason your kid is going through depression? Is it not noticeable when her happy-go-lucky personality is changed into a depressing one?
I don’t want to blame them, but I do.

Expectations and Their Side effects

The thing about expectations is that when they arent met, they can hurt alot of people. And that look people give you, the way they talk to you afterwards reminds you how much of a disappointment you are. And trust me when I say, there isnt a feeling worse than that. You’d probably feel really bad if someone said shit to you and called you names but the minute that person says ‘Im disappointed in you”, for a minute your whole world comes to a standstill.

So when your parents tell you everyday and remind you everyday how much of a disappointment you’ve been, you wish you’d never been born.
But you reach the lowest low when you’re friends hint it too.
So not only do your parents think you’re a disappointment but your friends too. Why the fuck are you still even smiling?

And all of these things happen because people expect. No expectations, no disappointments.

Fumbletumble Stumbles

Friends are important. We all know that. No one denies their significance in our lives. But you never really realize how much you’ll miss a friend untill they stop being your friend.

Imagine talking to someone everyday about every single thing that goes on in your life and then one day that person just decides to leave. They know about the things going on in your life before anyone else does. They’ve been through all your mental breakdowns with you, all those nights PMS-ing. They were there every single night and day, made you laugh and even cry sometimes. One of the very few people who really know you inside out.
So when a friend like that leaves,  it sort of hurts. More than anyone can imagine. Its worse than losing a lover because sometime along the way, that friend becomes more than that. Its so pure, what you to have, that you dont want to ever lose that by trying to make it something more.

I realized, there is a very fine line between being bestfriends and being something more.

Ocean of Change


Swept away in an ocean of change
I’ve let myself fall victim to sorcery;
He bathe me with glitters
And that’s why I might shine
But I’m pitch black inside.
Scratch the surface and you’ll see the abyss in which I live.
Stare into it and you’ll be dragged in.

Collaborating With a 6-Year Old

This is so amazing. I wish I had someone who would have encouraged me about painting without making it seem like a job. I know how it feels. Its really amazing how she is handling this situation

busy mockingbird

A few years have gone by since I collaborated with our then 4-year old…  And on occasion, people will ask me if we could do more.

outer face

Sometimes we still do.  It’s more of a casual thing.  I’ll toss her a page and say, “here are a few heads if you feel like sketching,” usually when she’s bored or looking for something to do.

Sometimes they turn out okay, and I try new things with them, making little pendants or doodles.  But mostly, it’s just a fun little pasttime.sometimes we do

On occasion, she still adds a body to a face I’ve done, and it turns out pretty well…


For the most part, though, to be honest:  the main reason we don’t always collaborate is that she’s busy doing her own thing!  She’s FIERCELY creative.  She throws herself into her art desk and is consumed with scissors, staples, and tape, making…

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Sometimes I think about all the hypocritical, narcissistic and ungrateful things people do everyday and smile to myself.
Have you ever thought about how much nicer our lives would have been if it didnt have all these fucking hypocrites walking around with absolute freedom?

You keep saving their little asses and they keep pretending like they care. And then the one time you’re unable to save their tiny little ungrateful ass, they turn on you and tell you what a selfish person you’ve been all this time. Over and over again they will tell you off and make you feel like you’ve been the worst friend the world has ever seen and at the same time they expect you to save their ass. That’s when it makes you wonder, “Why am I even trying help this ungrateful little ass?”
Then you remember. Its because you’re a naive forgiving fool. Its because you’re a pushover. And sadly, you will continue down this path while fully knowing that you have been down this path a thousand times before. But you will still walk a thousand miles on these very thorny paths, ’cause well, thats who you are.

Some might call it naivety, others,  foolishness. But they’re actually just two sides of a coin.
We dont learn. We never do.
People are ungrateful and they always will be. They will push you down time and time again. But its up to us how we decide to deal with it. Will you be the kind of person who will take an eye for an eye or will you be the person who gets back up and gives them a warm smile?
The world will be a rainbow and a nightmare. It all just perspective.

Try to look at the rainbow. It makes your life a thousand times nicer 🙂

Contentment in Discontentment


Being content. The word ‘Content’ might be something us humans came up with, but trust me when i say we have no idea what it means. Always asking for more, always wanting more. We’re as unsatisfied as the desert.

People say life is about being content and being happy with what you have. But its all easier said than done. We want what we cant have and have what we dont want (atleast at that very moment).Asking for freedom from someone who gave you love and then asking for love when he gave you that freedom. It makes me laugh, really.
We dont know the value of the things we have. We probably never will. And thats why its so sad.

Lets Stop Pretending

Thinking you know yourself is the biggest mistake you can ever make. I, for one, definitely dont know who i am.

I used to think im good at consoling people when they are sad, that im good at dealing with emotions. But really, i suck at it. ‘Cause when it when came down to dealing with a problem, i failed.
I dont know what to say. I dont know what to do. And here i was always laughing at my sister for sucking at it. I remember her friend was once going through some kind of boyfriend crisis and she was crying. And there she was, my sister, right beside her smiling a hopeless smile at me and eating noodles. I laughed so much.

I thought i’d be able to handle it better if or whenever any of my girlfriends went through that. I couldnt be any more delusional. My friend, Hoppetty was going through a bad break up and i was there, on the other side of the chat box with a frown that said ‘i dont know what to do’ sitting on my big fat ass. I actually called up another friend of mine to to call Hoppetty and talk to her. I mean, thats just shitty.

And that when i really realized, Egola was right. I really would make a bad psychologist. He was right when he said i suck at dealing with emotions. And he has known me for just over a month.

Listen to others and dont bark at everyone who gives you some constructive critisizm. We arent perfect, so why pretend to be?

Love For an Old Love.

Break ups. It changes so many things for soo many people.
You stop talking to his friends or his friends stop talking to you. Or vice versa. But either ways, its not and i doubt if it ever will be, all that pleasant. Apart from constantly feeling rejected the other most dreaded feeling would be guilt.
At first you’re going to blame him for it. Tell yourself and everyone else how it was all his fault and you didnt have much to do about it and how it was hard for you to do it. But after weeks of trying to console and convince yourself and failing epically you realize it might have been your fault. You start realizing that maybe, just maybe he was the faithful one and you werent. Then slowly that ‘maybe’ turns into the truth and you look at the things he gave you and hate yourself for what you did. Hate yourself for falling out of love, hate yourself for breaking all those promises, hate yourself for not being there for him and lastly you hate yourself for loosing a great friend.
I read in some book a while back how there are different kinds of love. I still love my ex maybe not the way i used to but i still do. Most people forget the moments and memories they shared with that person when they break and all they think about are the fights and the bad times. But maybe it shouldnt be that way. I mean, dont people realize how that relationship has taught them soo much? Why do people fail to see the good that came out from it. That band that you started listening to because of him, that place you discovered with him, those late night intellectual fights over superman and batman. Why should we forget any of that?
I refuse to see the glass as half empty. Sure it didnt end well but i learnt alot and i was happy. Life was crazy but it was worth it. If i regret anything it was not appreciating him enough.
I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago and from that day till now i have tried to hate him, blame him and make him seem like the bad guy. But it didnt take me long to realize it wasnt his fault, it was mine. Truth is, he wasnt he bad guy, i was.

This one’s for all those people who have wronged their exes. You can lie to the whole world but you cant lie to yourself.
Go to your ex and tell them you’re sorry. Tell them they deserve better. I know mine does.

Ps-I hope he finds happines. 🙂